joke thread

[akflyer 1427]

The Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Oklahoma , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[akflyer 1427]

Time for more funnies!

[akflyer 1427]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “F**k it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”

“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor

.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[flattie45 17]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........
"Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!"

[akflyer 1427]

Morning funnies!

 

[akflyer 1427]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska .

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless man wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious man from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck while the other tenderly placed the injured man in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed... "I have heard there was bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

[akflyer 1427]

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Orillia , Ontario , says, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto . I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.



That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless bar called, "You Mecca Me Hot".



Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called, " Iraq o' Ribs". Across the street there could be a lingerie store called, "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.



Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered".



All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others."



Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
 

[akflyer 1427]

Crumpled Money......

 

A man was sitting and reading his paper when his wife enters the house, she approaches him in a most provocative manner. "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asks the wife in a soft sweet voice.

Not knowing what to make of this situation he replies, "No."

Pursing her lips she gives him a sexy little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a crumpled up twenty dollar bill.

Then stepping closer in she asks in a low sexy voice, "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?"

Intrigued, he answers, "Uh, no."

She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into her panties and ever so slowly removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she says as she leans down and whispers, "have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

Totally confused and excited he stammers, "No-o-o-o-o."

"Well," she whispers in his ear, "then go look in the garage..."

[akflyer 1427]

I Love You, Sweetheart......

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked,

'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked,

'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following

text to their respective husband:

"I love you, sweetheart."

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one

10. Who is this?

[Av8r3400 1179]

The Rabbi received a letter from the IRS.  The Temple was going to get audited! 

 

The auditor arrived at his appointed time and proceded to put the Rabbi through the most intensive, obtrusive, in depth audit.  He looked at every number five times over!  The auditor was begining to get irritated that he could find nothing wrong.  Not the least little penny.

 

FInally the auditor said to the Rabbi, "Look at all these candles around here.  All those drippings are wasteful.  What do you do with them all?"

 

The Rabbi responded, "We collect all the drippings and send them back to the candle supplier.  After a year they send us a small box of candles for free!"

 

Getting even more irritated, the auditor said, "What about all those matzah balls?  All the crumbs that come off those are very wasteful!"

 

The Rabbi responded, " We collect those for the supplier, too.  After a year the manufacturer sends us a small box of them for free, too."

 

Now the auditor was getting down right mad.  He said, "What about all the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

 

The Rabbi responded smugly, "We send those to the IRS."

 

The auditor said, "What??  Why do you send them to the IRS?"

 

 

 

 

"Well, after a year the IRS sends us a little prick, for free!"

[akflyer 1427]

I just founds the pictures of me with the first baby sitter I can remember....

 

 

 

[flattie45 17]

How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She fits into your wife's clothes 

[akflyer 1427]

hahahahaha

[akflyer 1427]

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my
throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over
me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady
and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist
down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

[akflyer 1427]

 

 

 

 

 

Now we need to do an Avid edit of this one hahahahaha 

[Av8r3400 1179]

An old man goes to the doctor. At the end of the checkup the doc says, "Everything looks pretty good, but for the final check I need you to take this container with you and bring me back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The man says okay and goes home.

He returns to the doc the next day with an empty container. The doc says to him, "What happened?"

The man says, "We'll, first I tried with my left hand, nothing. Then I tried my right, still nothing. So I called my wife in to help. She tried her right hand, nothing. Same with her left. Then she tried her mouth, zip. Then she took out her teeth and tried again, no good. So she called the neighbor lady to come over. She tried both hands, her mouth and even put it und her armpit, still nothing. After she wacked it a couple times on the counter with out any success, we decided that the lid to that cup was not going to come off."

[EDMO 1078]

I used to have a big folder of "Dumb Blonde Jokes" - here is one I remember:

A dumb blonde went to a body shop to see about repairing dents in her car.

The mechanic told her, "Get down on your knees and blow the pipe and your dents will come out".

Ignoring his sexual intent, she rushed home and got on her knees and started blowing into the tailpipe.

Her sister asked her what she was doing, and she said that she was blowing out the dents.

Her Dumb Blonde sister said, "Duh, You got to roll up the windows first!"

EDMO

A dumb blonde called the fire department and said that her house was on fire.

The fireman asked, "How do we get there?"

Dumb Blonde, "Duh, in a big red firetruck!" and hung up on him.

OLD JOKES FROM AN OLD MAN

Edited 19 Dec 2013 by Ed In Missouri

[Av8r3400 1179]

Margaret and John are sitting down to a nice breakfast on the patio, enjoying the beautiful warm weather and their retirement.  Margaret suddenly says, "John, if I were to die, would you get married again right away?"

 

John is taken aback at Margaret ruining the nice mood and beautiful breakfast with such a morbid topic.  John gets angry and says, "Why do you have to bring up such an ugly topic on such a beautiful day.  Such nonsense.  I won't answer this foolishness!"

 

That evening as they were sitting down to supper, Margaret again asks, "John, if I were to die, would you get married again right away?"  Again, John gets angry and says he refuses to talk about such foolishness.

 

This goes on and on for several days.  Every breakfast and supper Margaret asks, "John, if I were to die, would you get married again right away?"  Every day John refuses to talk about it.

 

Finally after several days, John gives in and says, "Yes.  I would marry again right away."  

 

Margaret asks, "Would you sell the house?"  

 

"No.  I love this house.  I would stay here."  

 

Margaret says, "Well, what about our bed?  Would you sell that?"

 

"No.  It's a beautiful antique bed that matches our bedroom and the decor of the house.  No, I wouldn't sell that."

 

"Then what about my golf clubs.  You wouldn't let her touch those would you?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No, she wouldn't touch those.  She's left handed."

[akflyer 1427]

So I left home about 8:30 a.m. to do some work in the hangar at the airport with my buddies.
On the way out the door I answered my wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the airport."

1:30 came went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00 pm I roll in the driveway, and present my wife with a pizza, and I begin the apologetic story. I finished cleaning the plane about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands.
She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with.
Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."
My wife looked me right in the eye and said "don't bullshit me . . .
YOU WENT FLYING, DIDN'T YOU?”

 

[akflyer 1427]

Lmao!

[Av8r3400 1179]

  

 

[akflyer 1427]

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently, when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud, so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod with earphones.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.

[Av8r3400 1179]

[akflyer 1427]

[akflyer 1427]

As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create  American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job,

she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. ....

 

And Monica blew it.